I've had the HONOR of helping 4 girls over the last few months go through their infertility, a few of them found out recently their last cycle did not work... my heart hurts for them because I've stood in those exact shoes.
I decided to write this post because of the Holidays coming.. so please read to the end.. especially those that have no clue about Infertility.
I know this journey is so heart wrenching... and comes along with Anger , jealousy and anxiety and can ruin marriages. I'm shocked my marriage survived... 7 years of infertility is a long time and I know I was very mean to Nick at times and would snap at others for no reason or just break down and cry for no reason I was mean to others that had children well not mean but just had a envy and love / hate relationship... why was it so easy for them.. look at their beautiful family... I dreaded shower invitations... and I hated the news.. if I saw one more crack momma / daddy do something horrible to their child I was going to LOSE It... and in the beginning before we told everyone about our infertility issues.. I dreaded the "when are you going to have a baby" question. I HATED the response.. it will happen be patient, God has a plan... go have some drinks... you know all the normal responses of someone that has NO clue about Infertility.... and I look back and yes, Nick had moments through it all, but he was truly amazing, Most men probably would have left... I think back to my exes and know in my heart they would of all ran for the hills...
I also did ALOT of self blaming because all of our Infertility was me... I remember appointments in the beginning years, the first Fertility Dr would always make me feel like crap... he would always say when we would run tests and rerun them on both of us.. Nick's count is perfect, Nick's is great... nothings wrong with Nick's sperm.. however we found this on you or that... I still carry that with me that I'm a failure in the one thing women are supposed to be able to do in life is reproduce and I can't even do that right.
Infertility is also a VERY expensive journey... which also emotionally drains you when you look at all the money you are spending... you want this so bad that you pretty much go in debt over it. Then you think of the Holidays coming and you would rather spend your money on Infertility than on gifts... My favorite is I think People shake their heads at all the money we spent to have Ian... don't judge unless you've walked in the shoes of having infertility, you want a family so bad you'll almost do anything. Nick and I still live in our first starter home... in Raytown... the city we grew up in our entire life... I love when we tell people where we live, peoples look of disgust because Raytown isn't the place to live anymore or they treat us like we are trash because we live here. I would love for them to have something that has financially drained them and they were not able to live where they wanted. I'm just thankful we have a roof over our head.
This is just my opinion take it or leave it.. but make sure you are comfortable with all decisions being made by your Dr. and if not seek a second opinion. Or just seek a second opinion for peace of mind... I'm telling you only because we saw numerous Dr.'s and Dr. Brabec was the FIRST Dr. that found 2 things that NO other Dr. had informed us about. It also helps that you have full trust in the Dr. you are seeing if you don't have that, I feel like it's not going to be a successful cycle because you are in the back of your mind going... are they sure they know what they are doing. You are always going to have a part of you that prays I hope they know what they are doing... but if you know deep down that you trust them it makes everything so much better.
Nick and I are an open book when it comes to infertility, if you ever have any questions please don't hesitate to ask. Knowledge is POWER when it comes to Infertility. Nick didn't used to be open to talking about it.. but after so long you realize you have to be. Sometimes he remembers more than I do... I sometimes try and block out all memories but every once in awhile they come flooding back even now having Ian I still cry about it. Infertility unfortunately stays with you... I wish there was no such thing as Infertility.
Our last cycle that we got pregnant with Ian on, I only told my mom and Dad, his mom and dad and the KCIA girls ( 7 other board members) , and one of my very very close friends... only because they get it and I think that helped. not so many people knowing and people that get it knowing so they could help me through it. We didn't even tell our siblings. We told our family and a select few friends once it worked, but we didn't tell everyone until we hit our 12 weeks. Its a mental thing.... you don't feel so much pressure.. yet I know all the prayers are wonderful, but it's so hard to tell people it didn't work, you feel like a failure and that you let them down.
I feel like God put us on this journey to not only test our marriage LOL It worked God :-) But to make us stronger and to help others with this heart wrenching journey, and while no two Infertility cases are alike and what may work for one it won't work for another Maybe Nick and I can be someones inspiration to never give up. Ian was born 4 weeks before 8 years of trying to have a baby.
So with the Holidays coming please think of others before you speak.. you may not know they are going through infertility... so save the " when are you going to have a baby" question first off it's annoying. Because if they aren't going through infertility maybe they've chosen to not have kids, or maybe they've chosen to wait awhile... or maybe they have infertility issues. And if they chose to share with you their infertility issues... DO NOT I repeat do not say any of the following:
* "You guys just need to relax"
*" You guys just need to go on a vacation"
* " You guys just need to get drunk and have sex"
* " My Sister / friend / cousin / had trouble getting pregnant, now she has a beautiful family, it will happen"
* " Have you thought about adopting"
* God has a plan-- Yes we know he has a plan .. we don't need you to tell us that.
maybe just say something like I'm so sorry you are dealing with this... I will keep you in my prayers.. or I'm here if you need to talk / scream / vent whatever the case may be, I may not understand but I'm here for you.
To all of those struggling with Infertility, I say a prayer for you everyday... I wouldn't wish this journey upon my worst enemy... and remember to those that have no clue think before you speak especially during this holiday season coming up... Holidays are the hardest...
Love and prayers,
Angie
ashemwell@kcinfertility.org
www.kcinfertility.org
I decided to write this post because of the Holidays coming.. so please read to the end.. especially those that have no clue about Infertility.
I know this journey is so heart wrenching... and comes along with Anger , jealousy and anxiety and can ruin marriages. I'm shocked my marriage survived... 7 years of infertility is a long time and I know I was very mean to Nick at times and would snap at others for no reason or just break down and cry for no reason I was mean to others that had children well not mean but just had a envy and love / hate relationship... why was it so easy for them.. look at their beautiful family... I dreaded shower invitations... and I hated the news.. if I saw one more crack momma / daddy do something horrible to their child I was going to LOSE It... and in the beginning before we told everyone about our infertility issues.. I dreaded the "when are you going to have a baby" question. I HATED the response.. it will happen be patient, God has a plan... go have some drinks... you know all the normal responses of someone that has NO clue about Infertility.... and I look back and yes, Nick had moments through it all, but he was truly amazing, Most men probably would have left... I think back to my exes and know in my heart they would of all ran for the hills...
I also did ALOT of self blaming because all of our Infertility was me... I remember appointments in the beginning years, the first Fertility Dr would always make me feel like crap... he would always say when we would run tests and rerun them on both of us.. Nick's count is perfect, Nick's is great... nothings wrong with Nick's sperm.. however we found this on you or that... I still carry that with me that I'm a failure in the one thing women are supposed to be able to do in life is reproduce and I can't even do that right.
Infertility is also a VERY expensive journey... which also emotionally drains you when you look at all the money you are spending... you want this so bad that you pretty much go in debt over it. Then you think of the Holidays coming and you would rather spend your money on Infertility than on gifts... My favorite is I think People shake their heads at all the money we spent to have Ian... don't judge unless you've walked in the shoes of having infertility, you want a family so bad you'll almost do anything. Nick and I still live in our first starter home... in Raytown... the city we grew up in our entire life... I love when we tell people where we live, peoples look of disgust because Raytown isn't the place to live anymore or they treat us like we are trash because we live here. I would love for them to have something that has financially drained them and they were not able to live where they wanted. I'm just thankful we have a roof over our head.
This is just my opinion take it or leave it.. but make sure you are comfortable with all decisions being made by your Dr. and if not seek a second opinion. Or just seek a second opinion for peace of mind... I'm telling you only because we saw numerous Dr.'s and Dr. Brabec was the FIRST Dr. that found 2 things that NO other Dr. had informed us about. It also helps that you have full trust in the Dr. you are seeing if you don't have that, I feel like it's not going to be a successful cycle because you are in the back of your mind going... are they sure they know what they are doing. You are always going to have a part of you that prays I hope they know what they are doing... but if you know deep down that you trust them it makes everything so much better.
Nick and I are an open book when it comes to infertility, if you ever have any questions please don't hesitate to ask. Knowledge is POWER when it comes to Infertility. Nick didn't used to be open to talking about it.. but after so long you realize you have to be. Sometimes he remembers more than I do... I sometimes try and block out all memories but every once in awhile they come flooding back even now having Ian I still cry about it. Infertility unfortunately stays with you... I wish there was no such thing as Infertility.
Our last cycle that we got pregnant with Ian on, I only told my mom and Dad, his mom and dad and the KCIA girls ( 7 other board members) , and one of my very very close friends... only because they get it and I think that helped. not so many people knowing and people that get it knowing so they could help me through it. We didn't even tell our siblings. We told our family and a select few friends once it worked, but we didn't tell everyone until we hit our 12 weeks. Its a mental thing.... you don't feel so much pressure.. yet I know all the prayers are wonderful, but it's so hard to tell people it didn't work, you feel like a failure and that you let them down.
I feel like God put us on this journey to not only test our marriage LOL It worked God :-) But to make us stronger and to help others with this heart wrenching journey, and while no two Infertility cases are alike and what may work for one it won't work for another Maybe Nick and I can be someones inspiration to never give up. Ian was born 4 weeks before 8 years of trying to have a baby.
So with the Holidays coming please think of others before you speak.. you may not know they are going through infertility... so save the " when are you going to have a baby" question first off it's annoying. Because if they aren't going through infertility maybe they've chosen to not have kids, or maybe they've chosen to wait awhile... or maybe they have infertility issues. And if they chose to share with you their infertility issues... DO NOT I repeat do not say any of the following:
* "You guys just need to relax"
*" You guys just need to go on a vacation"
* " You guys just need to get drunk and have sex"
* " My Sister / friend / cousin / had trouble getting pregnant, now she has a beautiful family, it will happen"
* " Have you thought about adopting"
* God has a plan-- Yes we know he has a plan .. we don't need you to tell us that.
maybe just say something like I'm so sorry you are dealing with this... I will keep you in my prayers.. or I'm here if you need to talk / scream / vent whatever the case may be, I may not understand but I'm here for you.
To all of those struggling with Infertility, I say a prayer for you everyday... I wouldn't wish this journey upon my worst enemy... and remember to those that have no clue think before you speak especially during this holiday season coming up... Holidays are the hardest...
Love and prayers,
Angie
ashemwell@kcinfertility.org
www.kcinfertility.org
